It's my birthday today, yay me!

Birthdays make me hopeless.

I am more depressed on this day then on any other day.

They just suck you know.

And I somehow end up crying. Only on this day.

This birthday too.

 I feel like shit.. 

And of course, having any sorts of expectation sucks. So i have stopped all that.  

 And for some reason, I thought this birthday would be different. I wouldn't be sad. Everything will go well.  

But I guess, I expected too much.

And then there is that feeling of not having accomplished anything.

I am 21. That is more than two decades old.

I have accomplished nothing. 

Not I wasn't expecting that I would have bought a house and settled or anything. That is too much I know.

But the least I could have done was figured out my life. At the least. 

I thought I would be independent.

But that is too much to ask.

When I was in my early teens, I would judge other 20 and 21 year olds, on not have done achieved anything.

Now I am one of them.

And the worst part is I haven't done all the things I should have done when I was a teen. That just sucks, you know.

I have missed the major part of growing up, the experiences.

Maybe I was expecting too much out of myself.  

Maybe everyone goes through this. 

Maybe I am not that big loser.

Or may be I am.

Birthdays tell you about those people who really care. And that is just disappointing because there are only very few of them.

Which is good because you have those few.

You expect some ppl to wish you, they forget. 

But that is your fault, you shouldn't have had expections

I am so excited about others birthday. Especially when I remember them on my own without depending on any devices. 

They are not even close people. 

This sucks.

And I am not even sure I should be complaining about these. 

Bottom line is Birthdays suck just like all the other days. 

There are things you like about a person and there are things you don't.

Their opinion about something, the way they behave in a particular situation. they way they talk or they way they move their hands or their eyes.

And you fall in love with them, their habits and their actions. You forget how much it annoys you, irritates you.

It is right there in front of you, but you choose to ignore it. Until it blows up in your face.

But still, you love them too much to let it bother you.

:( 

But it hurts

Sometime, you see people travelling in bus and trains. Or waiting, at restaurants. 

And you fall love with how they talk or they way they laugh. 

You want to tell them that, but you cant. You don't.

:(

Mistake.

“OK, yes it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake, but there are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make the mistake and look back and say 'yep, that was a mistake.' So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake, because then you'd go your whole life not knowing if something is a mistake or not. And dammit, I've made no mistakes! I've done all of this; my life, my relationship, my career, mistake-free. Does any of this make sense to you?”

That’s what Lilly says in How I Met Your Mother. Yes, the inspiration for this post is from a sitcom.

True, isn't it?

I haven’t made those kinda mistakes. I might have, maybe I don’t realise it yet. Or maybe I just didn't create a big deal out of it.

Some of my friends tell me stuff and how they screwed it up, and I am like – O_O

And then I wonder how come I don’t end up doing something like this? Am I really that smart? Ok, no.

I am starting to feel I am missing out something.  

Weird. Shucks.

It's a matter of Trust!

There are things you know about yourself but you don’t want to accept it.

Good and bad things. Mostly bad.

There is always something, you try to hide it , avoid it, run away from it. But it comes back to you in the end.

There are many things I love about myself, but the things I hate about myself probably outnumber them.

One thing I believe i am unable to do is trust someone.. I can’t do that.

When I was in school, there was this guy in my class I had a crush on. He was cute but  little weird. Being weird is kinda difficult in school. Not many people liked him.

So once, casually, while playing some stupid game I told (who I thought was) my best friend about this crush of mine. And she rattled about it to everyone. I was so embarrassed.

That is the earliest memory of having my “trust broken”

It seems silly now, but then it was a big deal.

My friends kinda hate me for not sharing stuff with them. I regret it.

Weird I am.

I want to share, I just don’t know if I should.

I come across situations where I dunno what to do. And I know, it will be better to ask someone. But then telling them about it, and trusting them with it….?!

I don’t want to be like this, to be scared.

I know people who have “BFF’s” whom they share their entire life with.

I want such people in my life too. Maybe I have them, or maybe I lost them already because I didn’t open myself up to them.

Well, I am trying. I really am.

This is the one thing I don’t like about me.

Is there anything like that about you?

Just a dirty trick.

The word 'love' means different things to different people.
Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way.
Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give any of theirs.
Love makes the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
Love is a grave mental disease.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love to suffer. Not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to love. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you are writing this down.

When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.
Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.


P. S - I have a t-shirt with this article written on it.

The end of the start.

He asked me to meet him at the tower at 6pm. Finally we were meeting! After a week of disastrous exams, I need a comforting hug from him. To restore my sanity.

The tower is the place where he first proposed to me. It was a cold November evening one year ago. We were shivering yet we stood there like maniacs and looked into each others eyes. Finally he said, “I l-love you” and blushed oh-so-much. I could feel my cheeks turning red too, and I smiled. We drifted closer and kissed. It felt as though it was a bright sunny day again.

I got ready to meet him and reached the tower at 6. He was already waiting for me. However, he didn’t look very cheerful, I guessed, it was due to exams. So I hugged him and gave him the assorted donuts I had bought for him. He loved them, they would definitely cheer him!

I thought he would eat them right away, but he didn’t. Instead he said, “I need to talk to you”

“Okay. “ I said looking all confused. “About what?”

“Remember, this is where I first told you that I love you? This is where it all started. And today, I think, I want to end it.”

I couldn’t figure out what he was saying, so I was like “What??”

He gazed into my eyes and said, “I want to break up with you.”

I could feel my insides melting. All I could manage to say was, “B-but w-why?”

“I don’t want to lie to you. I loved you, I really did…but..”

I controlled my tears; I just couldn’t believe this was happening.

“.. I met Trisha some days ago and we started talking… and soon realised that we still have feelings for each other. We were not over yet”

Trisha, his ex. He is breaking up with me because of her? I don’t believe this. I thought he told me he was over her. We had sorted it out.

He was lying to me? All the time?

“Whatever I had with you was real, but with Trisha it was something different. I don’t think I will have that with you or with anyone else. I tried, Anvesha. I really did.”

I just stood there, open mouth. I couldn’t believe any of this was happening.

I just kept staring at him not knowing what to say.

“Anvesha, are you…okay?” He asked, when I didn’t say anything for five minutes.

I was shattered. I could feel my body shivering. There was a giant lump in my throat. Any time now, I could start crying.

But I didn’t want to. In front of him, atleast.

I didn’t feel like fighting back, or asking him to change his mind or threaten him. I don’t know why, maybe because I was expecting something like this. Maybe I didn’t notice his subtle hints about it. Maybe I was too much in love with him.

“If that’s what you really want, then I am okay with it.”

I wasn’t.

He stared and blinked at me. I guess, he was expecting me to put up a fight, some drama. But I didn’t.

I just let him go. I don’t know if I was doing the right thing, but at that time, it felt right.

I didn’t want him to give me ‘we can be friends’ speech and he didn’t.

He leaned forward to give me a goodbye kiss but I turned around. A tear trickled down my 
face.

I heard his footstep leaving the tower.